The Four Loves

So, here I go again.. 1:55 am but I still cannot sleep..
I want to write my second blog entry for today.

So, this entry is caused by something happened to my male friend a couple of days ago. In short story, my male friend cried dyingly in front of me because of girl he loves. He heard that the girl he loves will marry soon. He is 'exploded' and very devastated hearing that :( .. As friend, I know he still adores the girl, but I didnt imagine it could be that much. I couldnt stand hearing his crying (dont say a man is a gay when he cries in front of his girl friend!). That day was really really really hard day for me.

I should admit, it makes me thinking lots about "Love" these couple of days.
Dealing with my friend's situation is almost as hard as dealing with past complicated relationship

So, I am thinking..
I see based on my experiences, of all temptations boys or men can have, it is not "money" or "fame" which able to make men really feel down, but "women". When a boy or man fall in love with woman, he couldnt control himself or think another possibility. They could be very devoted & very gentle, but in another negative side, they also usually become possesive, obssesed when something wrong happens or thing doesnt go well. I saw that for many times:
- My far relative is still not married yet even until he is around 56 years old now, because he lost his sweetheart in his young time. His girl was dead.
-.I had a date which is not able to forget his sweetheart from college. The girl is very important to him. He once had a chance to get near to her, they got closer, but my ex-crush didnt have guts to confess to her until the girl got closer to someone else and then become girlfriend-boyfriend (now they are already married). My ex-date still havent say it yet even until the marriage, and he has still regretted for it a lot until now.
- And some other unlucky guys whom I see had worst chance without a reason.

I dont have real talent in thinking about love. I am not a philosopher of love in nature. I learn about love from experiences, trial-errors, mistakes-lessons. But, I will try to tell this in simpler words.
I also got same unlucky fate as the boys I mentioned above. I lost someone whom I really considered as another part of me. I already found him, but it seemed we human doesnt always have to have another part of us. And that is still okay.

I dealt it with hard way. I was very confused why it should be that way, I screamed a lot to God, I couldnt see I could live without him. But God has comforted me, trained me in these past few years, and He gave me new understanding as well. I am really okay now and not feeling bitterness anymore.

***

Besides completely recovered, I  am pretty sure my view on relationship and love changed. These are some new understandings about Love which I would like to share to anyone needed now:

1. When I still didnt have God as my priority, I was still thinking with Disney, society, and maybe our ownself's view on love. I will fall in love with someone whom my heart choose. We even dont really know what standards our heart actually truly see.. looks? Personality? We couldnt say it because we are still blurry about love. We just know how to identify love as "something my heart will choose", but that's it.. It is 'dangerous' concept, I realised later.

To me as what I understood now, without looking up to God's direction, our definition on love will always be distorted. We will look at the person based on "our heart". And our heart is not always thing we can trust anytime. It can be possesive, it can be too sentimental, it can pick wrong choice etc.

We think that we already love someone right, but actually we view them in shallow way. With our own desires or ego. With our own weak heart.

For now personally I realise, I dont have an interest to see a man only from his personality or looks now. It is not my way in seeking special relationship anymore. I may see a guy attractive, but at the end, I will ask myself do I see him through God? Is my feeling pure? Maybe that is the reason why I am really careful starting relationship now? It is amazing feeling & change though.

That will also relate to this entry title "The Four Loves" (Storge, Philia, Eros, Agape).
I feel The True Love is Love which I can love someone unconditionally. So, it doesnt happen because of my own desires, but GOD.  Because I want to see and love him through God. Because I want to serve him in God rather than because I pursue love for my ownself.

That will be perfect definition of Love and kind of relationship I want to pursue at the end. :)


2. I am thinking, no matter how hard past relationship, a guy should be mature in viewing life.
A mature man, in my view, is a guy who can move from his young love story and keep forward to the future. He must be a man who will be able to think of his future family. He must care about his future family a lot more than his young past love story. He must be strong, wipe his own sadness, take important notes, and focus to brush himself up to be a leader in family later. Not just lamenting about his lost love.

So guys, you have responsibility to be a leader in family.
As a girl, I wholeheartedly say to any broken-hearted guys outhere.. please dont cry over a girl. It is irony to see that. It kills something inside women who look at that. Please dont be lame.

You are strong creature and I know, men will always be logical & good in picking options.
Just move on from your ego, forget about it, and sooner or later you will never feel bad again completely. You will have better option; you will have better view on relationship. Trust me.


****

In this life, we will meet many people who will come and teach us, both in short encounter or in long ones. We will meet many potential partners, and they may come to our life temporarily to teach us, to inspire us. It doesnt mean we should be crying for every love we lost. We must be calm and control ourself to keep strong while learning about relationship.. until our time is ready.

Relationship is a kind of journey heading into maturity.

So, we should be more mature after one relationship to another relationship. We all must understand that.

****

* The Four Loves is a book by C.S. Lewis which explores the nature of love from Christian perspective [wiki]

How long will you take your relationship?

So, two days ago, as usual I taught my Korean student, Mr. So, bahasa Indonesia and we tried practicing his conversation skill in the morning. We usually speak with a topic. But, in that time, we just had regular conversation in Bahasa, more like "curhat" lol.

So, I dont know why, I wanted to talk about relationship that time eventhough there are others many things I've been thinking lately.

It started with my questions (of course original one in Bahasa Indonesia languange) :
- How did he start relationship with his wife?
- How was his feeling toward his wife at the first time? Loving her so much or has time grown it up?
- Did he realise at that time that his girlfriend would be his wife? Could he feel it?

I asked them because I often doubt myself whether I could have a chance to feel a relationship again or not. The scenario is usually like this: I find a good guy, but I always get scared to try next level. A few guys I dated may assume I am not serious person about my feeling, but the fact is I hardly fall in love with someone, and telling someone love words is one of the special thing I could have done.

But with that fact, I wonder why I am suck at starting relationship. Why did I start dates and also end it? Maybe because I am afraid to start relationship again eventhough I am serious with my feeling..? Because I am afraid to have my hopes up..? Because I am afraid my heart will be broken too hard again..?

**

So, that is the reason why I asked Mr So, what is the first feeling in starting relationship? I tried to remember what good feeling relationship is. I tried to remember the confidence we have before starting relationship.

Then he answered all my questions (I wont write down his full answers here ^^) and shared his love story too.. but the most interesting thing we had that time actually came at the end. At the question "How long does somebody usually take their relationship?"
Of course, no answer for that! That was dumb question, definitely.
But forgive me, my mind is still just completely blank about love right now, so I even asked about little non-sense thing! Hehe :P

So the full questions:
"How long does somebody usually take his/her relationship? Have you ever thought to leave your wife at the time when both of you were still dating, Mr So?"

He silenced for a moment, trying to find the answer, and then he answered me,
"I never thought to leave my wife when we were dating back then.
Yes, we had lots of quarrels, but I never thought to leave her for any sake. I am not sure about the answer for your question, Linda.
But in my opinion, relationship will end only when the two people want to end it. 
Love is everlasting STRUGGLE between  two people."

He gave me a big blow to my head.. and I felt somewhat uplifting feeling.

* *
But still.. I am only prioritizing to learn about Christ now and to be grown first.
So, maybe I will understand it in another time..

... I guess my breast has been growing up, bigger :') he he he

Bukankah begitu, Cinta?

Cinta — kata itu terlalu sering dirapalkan, teramat acap dihapalkan.
Seindah lembayung senja, seteduh berkah rembulan.
Namun ketika teresap terbilangkan, aku pikir kesucian dan maknanya bisa memudar,
——— secepat embun pagi yang menguap di bawah terik hitam matahari.

Ada kah yang merasa begitu?
Ketika cinta terkatakan, hilang kemurniannya?

MY WORST NIGHTMARE!

Ok, this morning I got woke up with terrible feeling. I had a nightmare .. THE WORST WORST WORST NIGHTMARE I’ve ever had in my entire life!! X_X.

It's about death. I dislike death, especially if people I love died.. that's the reason why I NEVER want to attend burial ceremony; mourning in home is still okay to go.

So, the nightmare was about my friend (who is very meant to me) died. Lets call "H". In that dream, H was dead because of train accident. I was told by someone in that dream that he died because stood up near the neck of train wagon, then there were some shakes, and he lost balance and fell off to under the rails of train. Can you imagine that?? It's too scary information in dream.

Then after I heard his dead news, I was histerically shocking & grieving in the dream.

Before I heard the news, a couple days ago I still met him (still in dream). I met him in one fine dining restaurant. I am not quite sure it was accidental meeting or because we attended same party. But I knew, I was quite shocked to meet him there, we stared each other for a while, then nothing happened or even said (as usual?) and we went back with our agendas. He was with his friends, sowas I. I remembered that, I actually had something to say to him in the dream, really wanted to say something. I was feeling unpleasant, uncomfortable there. But until I got out from restaurant, I still didn’t say anything. But what I remembered, I saw from his face, that he had a great time with his friends. I was quite happy to see that.

And suddenly I heard the news he died of train accident...  BUMP!! My heart.

I couldnt decribe you exactly about my feeling in the dream, but really, it was so painful scene. Really painful. Even I felt the bump as if real happened.

Then, in that dream after heard the news, I confirmed to some of my colleagues “Is it real? Is he really died??” as if I wouldnt believe it .. I kept asking, kept asking, kept asking. I couldnt accept the fact he died. I even felt it so real. It felt like, we tried to go back to reality, but our dream is too scary & "real", so we felt the dream is our reality. Have you ever got kind of feeling?

Then thanks Goodness, I woke up. To the  real reality. Then I really thanked for the accident was FORTUNATELY just a dream. You had the heat, the sweat, and little water in the edge of your eyes.

***

I don’t know what this dream was talking about. Some kind of subconcious dream under our id, like Freud psychoanalysis theory said? Or maybe trying to tell me something that I should have done in real life? I still wondered why this dream popped up after I decided to leave some stories keep unsaid. This dream might be encouraging me to change my mind.

Maybe I really need to say those feelings. Maybe I do need to tell it before anything bad happen, or I would be feeling sorry in rest of my life later.

Aghh I definitely still don’t know what to do right now. = ="

A(R)M.OUR

"Rindu itu kode rumah yang sebenarnya. Jika rindu, tinggal pencet bel."

- Linda aka KelinciApel - 

Love Will Find Her Way To Me

Rasanya hati ini sudah capai mengarungi lautan pria & ingin melabuhkan diri ke 1 pantai hati saja.

Sudah terlalu lama berlayar.

Tapi di satu sisi, masih ada ketakutan untuk mendekati pantai.

Adakah orang yg benar-benar setia menunggu di sana?

Hanya Satu Semester

Saya ketemu seorang pria. Dia ada di kelas yg saya ikuti semester ini. Secara fisik, memang lucu sih, tapi sayangnya tidak terlalu berguna buat gw. Mksdnya, fisiknya tidak terlalu berkontribusi dalam hal ketertarikan saya ke dia, karena saya rasa, klo cuma kegantengan, sharusnya saya tentu juga akan menyukai  cowo2 sebelah kost dong hehehe. Kapan2, akan saya tulis entri alasan kenapa saya tidak mengagung2kan orang cakep. Kembali ke dia, hmm setelah saya pikirkan, yang membuat saya tertarik ke dia adalah karena bahasa tubuhnya dan suaranya. Bahasa tubuhnya yg rada pemalu (?) sangat menarik perhatian saya utk  terus  memperhatikan dia. Suaranya yg lembut dan berhati2  (seperti ketakutan? Hehe) sering membuat saya tersenyum tidak tahu kenapa. Ntahlah rasanya senang sekali klo melihat dia. Dia salah satu dari hal2 indah di semester ini yg membuat saya bersemangat. Benar2  merebut tempat di hati. 

Walaupun pelajarannya tidak begitu nyambung ke otak saya (kurang tertarik), tapi karena saya suka dia sbg *****nya, saya sudah buat janji ke diri saya untuk give my best shot to that subject dan mendapat nilai yg baik supaya dia dapat mengingat nama saya. Setidaknya diingat selama satu semester ini.

xxx

Saya tidak akan tahu apa bs bertemu lagi di semester2 berikutnya atau gak *

Walaupun sebenarnya dari saya, saya ingin terus dapat melihatnya.

Saya menyukainya.

 

Our Last Chapter

I am confessing, it's so hard to find somebody to replace you
I believe in soulmate as I find it in you
But I am one who got it in bad story
My story is princess doesnt always get happy ever after with Prince
But I was the person who made the choice

I'd prefer to look for another guy over you

I need good company more than a soulmate
To make reliable relationship together

I stopped this story by my ownself eventhough it's also hard for me.

I cannot stand your anger habit and another bad things anymore.

I lost my faith in you. In our future.

Dont put your hope on me again.
I've been looking to other side of bench right now.

 

MoTS : Something that breaks your heart into pieces will open your eyes..