The Four Loves

So, here I go again.. 1:55 am but I still cannot sleep..
I want to write my second blog entry for today.

So, this entry is caused by something happened to my male friend a couple of days ago. In short story, my male friend cried dyingly in front of me because of girl he loves. He heard that the girl he loves will marry soon. He is 'exploded' and very devastated hearing that :( .. As friend, I know he still adores the girl, but I didnt imagine it could be that much. I couldnt stand hearing his crying (dont say a man is a gay when he cries in front of his girl friend!). That day was really really really hard day for me.

I should admit, it makes me thinking lots about "Love" these couple of days.
Dealing with my friend's situation is almost as hard as dealing with past complicated relationship

So, I am thinking..
I see based on my experiences, of all temptations boys or men can have, it is not "money" or "fame" which able to make men really feel down, but "women". When a boy or man fall in love with woman, he couldnt control himself or think another possibility. They could be very devoted & very gentle, but in another negative side, they also usually become possesive, obssesed when something wrong happens or thing doesnt go well. I saw that for many times:
- My far relative is still not married yet even until he is around 56 years old now, because he lost his sweetheart in his young time. His girl was dead.
-.I had a date which is not able to forget his sweetheart from college. The girl is very important to him. He once had a chance to get near to her, they got closer, but my ex-crush didnt have guts to confess to her until the girl got closer to someone else and then become girlfriend-boyfriend (now they are already married). My ex-date still havent say it yet even until the marriage, and he has still regretted for it a lot until now.
- And some other unlucky guys whom I see had worst chance without a reason.

I dont have real talent in thinking about love. I am not a philosopher of love in nature. I learn about love from experiences, trial-errors, mistakes-lessons. But, I will try to tell this in simpler words.
I also got same unlucky fate as the boys I mentioned above. I lost someone whom I really considered as another part of me. I already found him, but it seemed we human doesnt always have to have another part of us. And that is still okay.

I dealt it with hard way. I was very confused why it should be that way, I screamed a lot to God, I couldnt see I could live without him. But God has comforted me, trained me in these past few years, and He gave me new understanding as well. I am really okay now and not feeling bitterness anymore.

***

Besides completely recovered, I  am pretty sure my view on relationship and love changed. These are some new understandings about Love which I would like to share to anyone needed now:

1. When I still didnt have God as my priority, I was still thinking with Disney, society, and maybe our ownself's view on love. I will fall in love with someone whom my heart choose. We even dont really know what standards our heart actually truly see.. looks? Personality? We couldnt say it because we are still blurry about love. We just know how to identify love as "something my heart will choose", but that's it.. It is 'dangerous' concept, I realised later.

To me as what I understood now, without looking up to God's direction, our definition on love will always be distorted. We will look at the person based on "our heart". And our heart is not always thing we can trust anytime. It can be possesive, it can be too sentimental, it can pick wrong choice etc.

We think that we already love someone right, but actually we view them in shallow way. With our own desires or ego. With our own weak heart.

For now personally I realise, I dont have an interest to see a man only from his personality or looks now. It is not my way in seeking special relationship anymore. I may see a guy attractive, but at the end, I will ask myself do I see him through God? Is my feeling pure? Maybe that is the reason why I am really careful starting relationship now? It is amazing feeling & change though.

That will also relate to this entry title "The Four Loves" (Storge, Philia, Eros, Agape).
I feel The True Love is Love which I can love someone unconditionally. So, it doesnt happen because of my own desires, but GOD.  Because I want to see and love him through God. Because I want to serve him in God rather than because I pursue love for my ownself.

That will be perfect definition of Love and kind of relationship I want to pursue at the end. :)


2. I am thinking, no matter how hard past relationship, a guy should be mature in viewing life.
A mature man, in my view, is a guy who can move from his young love story and keep forward to the future. He must be a man who will be able to think of his future family. He must care about his future family a lot more than his young past love story. He must be strong, wipe his own sadness, take important notes, and focus to brush himself up to be a leader in family later. Not just lamenting about his lost love.

So guys, you have responsibility to be a leader in family.
As a girl, I wholeheartedly say to any broken-hearted guys outhere.. please dont cry over a girl. It is irony to see that. It kills something inside women who look at that. Please dont be lame.

You are strong creature and I know, men will always be logical & good in picking options.
Just move on from your ego, forget about it, and sooner or later you will never feel bad again completely. You will have better option; you will have better view on relationship. Trust me.


****

In this life, we will meet many people who will come and teach us, both in short encounter or in long ones. We will meet many potential partners, and they may come to our life temporarily to teach us, to inspire us. It doesnt mean we should be crying for every love we lost. We must be calm and control ourself to keep strong while learning about relationship.. until our time is ready.

Relationship is a kind of journey heading into maturity.

So, we should be more mature after one relationship to another relationship. We all must understand that.

****

* The Four Loves is a book by C.S. Lewis which explores the nature of love from Christian perspective [wiki]

How long will you take your relationship?

So, two days ago, as usual I taught my Korean student, Mr. So, bahasa Indonesia and we tried practicing his conversation skill in the morning. We usually speak with a topic. But, in that time, we just had regular conversation in Bahasa, more like "curhat" lol.

So, I dont know why, I wanted to talk about relationship that time eventhough there are others many things I've been thinking lately.

It started with my questions (of course original one in Bahasa Indonesia languange) :
- How did he start relationship with his wife?
- How was his feeling toward his wife at the first time? Loving her so much or has time grown it up?
- Did he realise at that time that his girlfriend would be his wife? Could he feel it?

I asked them because I often doubt myself whether I could have a chance to feel a relationship again or not. The scenario is usually like this: I find a good guy, but I always get scared to try next level. A few guys I dated may assume I am not serious person about my feeling, but the fact is I hardly fall in love with someone, and telling someone love words is one of the special thing I could have done.

But with that fact, I wonder why I am suck at starting relationship. Why did I start dates and also end it? Maybe because I am afraid to start relationship again eventhough I am serious with my feeling..? Because I am afraid to have my hopes up..? Because I am afraid my heart will be broken too hard again..?

**

So, that is the reason why I asked Mr So, what is the first feeling in starting relationship? I tried to remember what good feeling relationship is. I tried to remember the confidence we have before starting relationship.

Then he answered all my questions (I wont write down his full answers here ^^) and shared his love story too.. but the most interesting thing we had that time actually came at the end. At the question "How long does somebody usually take their relationship?"
Of course, no answer for that! That was dumb question, definitely.
But forgive me, my mind is still just completely blank about love right now, so I even asked about little non-sense thing! Hehe :P

So the full questions:
"How long does somebody usually take his/her relationship? Have you ever thought to leave your wife at the time when both of you were still dating, Mr So?"

He silenced for a moment, trying to find the answer, and then he answered me,
"I never thought to leave my wife when we were dating back then.
Yes, we had lots of quarrels, but I never thought to leave her for any sake. I am not sure about the answer for your question, Linda.
But in my opinion, relationship will end only when the two people want to end it. 
Love is everlasting STRUGGLE between  two people."

He gave me a big blow to my head.. and I felt somewhat uplifting feeling.

* *
But still.. I am only prioritizing to learn about Christ now and to be grown first.
So, maybe I will understand it in another time..

Memento Mori

Hehehehe.. what a long time.. It's been 8 months since last time I logged into this blog, my life in blog. :)

How come??
Where have I been?
What was I doing??
:-D LOL

Reading back to all my entries.. it's totally very different thing to see now.. such memories..
What thing have I accomplished since last time I wrote? Any progress?

Lets see Linda, what things you've been going through these 8 months.. you must remember it back :)

So.. these 8 months..
Well.. I think first progress I can identify is my English has been enhanced.. time by time, my English enhances, especially speaking.. I feel I speak more fluently than before.. I met many interesting foreign friends who spoke English to me in some special activities.. they are very kind to me.. my courage grew a lot.. my circle of friends have been varied and getting bigger..

But mostly for circle of friends, I am really grateful to have meet with kak Ina, kak Mega, kak Eunice.. they are my 30-something years old sisterhood friends :) (I dont have many friends with same age).. and then my best friend Devi and O.I.. they are very good & low-profile people, they teach me how to be good person and be better.. They make me happy. I am such lucky person.

Second, definitely I became philosopher in these 8 months lol.. of course behind my non-sense smile, I am also thoughtful person :P

So now is my last year.. what will I gonna do? Which starting point do I need to take?
I have a plan.. one plan.. living abroad after I graduate next year (working there, setting new level of maturity & courage, doing new adventure etc etc).. that is the only plan I want to do.. I dont know why.

Third, I want to feel in love.. again.. so lately I joined one dating site out there, never been or done that before, such spontaneity and tremendous courage of me lol.. I dont know what I must do actually in this site.. what thing should we expect from dating site? Am I type of a person who is able to do kind of that relationship?

But from learning from my past, I need to pray for every relationship.. that's important to pray because that is such big matter.. I dont want to play someone's feeling as well as I dont want to be played.. there is karma/consequence when we do something bad.. And I think, we must take maturity right now.. have strong commitment to our relationship, something that many people greatly lose & give up easily in this era.

Lately I'm also  *really* thinking about what the best criterias I need to see in man.. but I dont want to spread my mind here ;p

I believe GOD will direct and lead me to best direction.. whatever will happen, I know I will smile.. and I hope every guy I met will smile too.. I do adore God's spontaneity.. when we think about doing something or planning something, God suddenly change it 180' and give us something that makes us giggle at the end.. I did experienced some of them.. I giggled why I entered law school, something I never imagined before.. I giggled why I can be blessed with best life right now meanwhile JUST 3 years ago I died in spiritual .. God is soo good because His Love.. spontaneity in His plan.. so, eventhough I plan I would go to America someday, I'm relax for that.. this life, we must be relax and trust GOD to do His magic, His "joke".. all the things. Trust me, God is funny :) .. maybe I am very happy person right now because I know I have very funny God with funny plan :))

***

I think that's all.. some big points in these 8 months..

This writing is too simple and straight-forward.. but that's what I want to do in my life..To simplify my life now..  So others doesnt need to confuse about my life.. For me, saying things to be straight & honest is the best thing to do.

I just can do that..
I dont want to complicate things anymore and try hard way.
It is just not worth the price. :)

Love can change so many things

From any bad form to good one.. it is the beauty of Love.

Looking at these photos overwhelmed me with warmth & gratitude..
Yes, I really believe love can change so many things.. included person..
My Mom & Dad is my hero.. They changed me three years ago. :)

There is no best present from my parents other than my parents' love when I was in my lowest level 3 years ago.. I used to be like the "bad dog", they took care of me when I couldnt takecare of my ownself..

When you feel you are really loved, you will go stand up by your ownself, you will become aware & responsible about your life, you will move forward, and you will finally understand how important Love is in human's life.

The beauty of Love: It changes things, conditions, animals, person..

I Need You To Understand This

Someday it will be spring summer

What you see is overly drama
Unhappy people
Unhappy life
Shitty, so miserable
People will get what they deserve
People will attract something of what their real self are
People will be something they choose to be

We are nothing, but a hope.

That hope we don’t even know
where it is in our self
that will get us there
to spring summer
in our heart.

Kata Pak BJ Habibie

"Dik, saya ini memulai segala sesuatunya dari bawah, sampai saya ditunjuk menjadi wakil dirut perusahaan terkemuka di Jerman dan akhirnya menjadi Presiden RI, itu semua bukan kejadian tiba-tiba. Selama 48 tahun saya tidak pernah dipisahkan dengan Ainun, ibu Ainun istri saya. Ia ikuti kemana saja saya pergi dengan penuh kasih sayang dan rasa sabar. Dik, kalian barangkali sudah biasa hidup terpisah dengan istri, you pergi dinas dan istri di rumah, tapi tidak dengan saya." — B.J. Habibie

Translation:
"Kids, I was starting everything from rock bottom until I was appointed a vice president of a leading company in Germany, and eventually became President of Republic Indonesia, this is not the event of a sudden. During these 48 years I have never been separated by Ainun my wife and mother of my children. She followed me to anywhere I go with full dedication and patience to me. You may be probably familiar living apart with your wives, but not with me. "- B.J. Habibie

It is a story of BJ Habibie, ex President of Republic Indonesia, who just lost his dearest wife in Mei 2012. He was greatly grieved about it. Indonesian's love story.

"It Will Be Allright, For I Am With You.."

Read: Haggai 2:1-9 
The people of Israel had returned from exile just a few years before. They came back to a place that was home and yet not home. They had to live alongside with the unfamiliar ‘remnant’ in the land. They had to rebuild homes and businesses. They suffered through drought. Most of all, they had to rebuild the Temple and reconcile the faith they kept in exile with the faith they now needed to sustain them in the future. Their lives were unsettled and uncertain, full of unease and anxiety.

In the midst of their struggle, the Lord encourages the people to be strong, to be courageous, to keep on, to move forward, to not let the past become the definition of the future. “It will be alright,” says the Lord, “for I am with you.”

Today, we, too, live in uncertainty and unease. Some of us wonder whether we can make it through tough economic times, or whether we will have a job tomorrow or next year. We fear the terrorist from another shore and the thief down the street. Even our familiar ways of faith are unsettled. Yet in this season, God reminds us in a most amazing way, with the birth of a child, that God is still with us and will bring us Shalom, wholeness, peace, and rest.

- IES Church Devotional Digest, 10-Dec-2011

The Art of Losing Something

Hmmm ga tahu kenapa tiba-tiba ingin menulis seni dari kehilangan sesuatu.

Tiba2 ingin saja, mungkin saja.

Saya pernah merasakan kehilangan. Bukan kehilangan sesuatu yang saya perlukan atau tidak melalukan sesuatu yang bisa ‘membunuh’ saya, tapi bener-bener kehilangan sesuatu yang saya sayangi.

Percayalah, salah satu pelajaran yang paling SANGAT menempah saya hingga menjadi sekarang ini adalah losing something, not all things I have last forever.

Salah satu yang paling saya takutkan adalah kehilangan anggota keluarga saya. Terakhir, saya kehilangan nenek saya. Saya teringat bahwa bulan ini sudah bulan November, sudah mau akhir tahun, sudah mau Natal dan kumpul keluarga besar.

Saya menyadari bahwa saya tidak akan pernah ketemu lagi dengan nenek saya. Untuk sekarang, saya belum bisa membayangkan bagaimana rasanya ibadah tutup tahun tanpa nenek saya biasanya memberikan petuah. Saya sudah terlampau biasa dengan itu. Saya sudah terlampau sayang dengan nenek saya.

Hhh, I miss your voice so much, Grandma. T_T

Apalagi katamu terakhir kita bertemu, aku harus benar-benar serius belajar, menyelesaikan sekolahku yang kali ini, agar nenek bisa datang ke Jakarta dan melihat aku wisuda. Kamu juga bilang, akan mengusahakan kesehatan juga agar bisa melihat wisuda itu hingga waktunya. Tapi tidak, nenek ga bisa menepati janji kepadaku. Tuhan sudah duluan mengambil janji nenek. Namanya janji adalah janji, bisa tertepati, bisa tidak kan?

Tapi,

Apapun hal saya kehilangan itu,

Saya pernah kehilangan anggota keluarga saya

Saya pernah kehilangan cinta saya yang pertama

Saya pernah kehilangan kesempatan

Membuat saya jadi berpikir ..

Hidup pada waktunya ada akhirnya. Ada awal, ada ujung.

Rasa kehilangan akan berakhir.
Rasa kehilangan akan terlupakan ketika saya meninggal.

Di alam lain sana, saya tidak akan mengingat apa2 lagi yang saya punya di dunia, orang-orang yg sudah saya kenal dan sesuatu yg sudah saya jalani di dunia.
Aku tidak akan mengingat lagi nenek, orangtua saya, sahabat2 saya, orang2 yg pernah menyakiti saya, dan kamu yang membaca ini.

Saya selalu mengingat fakta itu setiap melihat segala sesuatu di dunia.

Bahwa hidup saya hanya persinggahan. Hanya sebentar mengenal seseorang, kemudian saya/dia pergi.

Hanya mencengkram persepsi sesuatu itu di pikiran sebentar, kemudian saya tidak akan mengingatnya lagi.

Bahwa inti hidup adalah justru kehilangan.

Mati.

Tetapi nya,

Sesuatu harus mati, agar tunas baru bisa tumbuh

Seseorang harus kehilangan sesuatu, supaya orang itu bisa “hidup”.

Seseorang harus kehilangan sesuatu , supaya paham menghargai sesuatu itu dari awal sebelum kehilangan.

Saya tahu, saya akan kehilangan segala sesuatu suatu hari nanti & tidak bisa menemukannya lagi.

Karena itu, saya harus bnr2 memperlakukan sesuatu dengan baik, dari awal.

Saya tahu, suatu hari nanti saya tidak akan merasakan lagi rasanya kehilangan.

Karena itu, saya tidak akan berhenti cuma karena kehilangan.

Saya tetap akan meneruskan kuliah, walaupun nenek saya tidak bisa melihat saya wisuda lagi.

The art of losing something.

... I guess my breast has been growing up, bigger :') he he he

Science is FUN! :D

It is called Poggendorf Illusion.

For other illusions, you can learn by yourself here :D :
http://www.michaelbach.de/ot/ang_poggendorff/index.html

Rememberance Effect

"Everything lives as long as we remember it.
But once we forget it, it will rest in peace." 
- Linda, August 22th 2011-

Memang Kuk-Nya Ringan

Dua ayat ini terus ada di benak saya beberapa hari ini.

Ulangan 30:11-14
"Sebab perintah ini, yang kusampaikan kepadamu pada hari ini, tidaklah terlalu sukar bagimu dan tidak pula terlalu jauh. Tidak di langit tempatnya, sehingga engkau berkata: Siapakah yang akan naik ke langit untuk mengambilnya bagi kita dan memperdengarkannya kepada kita, supaya kita melakukannya? Juga tidak di seberang laut tempatnya, sehingga engkau berkata: Siapakah yang akan menyeberang ke seberang laut untuk mengambilnya bagi kita dan memperdengarkannya kepada kita, supaya kita melakukannya? Tetapi Firman ini sangat dekat kepadamu, yakni di dalam mulutmu dan di dalam hatimu, untuk dilakukan!"

Bandingkan dgn nubuat Yeremia kepada bangsa Israel di ayat Yeremia 31:33-34 :
"Tetapi beginilah perjanjian yang Kuadakan dengan kaum Israel sesudah waktu itu, demikianlah firman Tuhan: Aku akan menaruh TauratKu dalam batin mereka dan menuliskannya dalam hati mereka, maka Aku akan menjadi Allah mereka dan mereka menjadi umatKu. Dan tidak usah lagi orang mengajar sesamanya atau mengajar saudaranya dengan mengatakan: Kenallah Tuhan! Sebab mereka semua, besar kecil, akan mengenal Aku, demikian firman Tuhan, sebab Aku akan mengampuni kesalahan merekea dan tidak lagi mengingat dosa mereka"

Saya sering mempertanyakan selama ini, apakah kuk yg diberikan Tuhan memang benar ringan & dapat dilaksanakan manusia ?
Saya berusaha mencari kuk yang dimaksudkan Tuhan itu seperti apa.
Dan di zaman PB ini, kuk Tuhan hanya ada dua, mengasihi Dia dengan sesama.

Setelah aku coba renungkan, kegiatan mengasihi itu sebenarnya tidak susah kan ya?

Perkara yg sangat mudah untuk terjadi, ketika kita tiba2 mengasihi / mencintai seseorang. Perkara yg sangat mudah ketika berhubungan dengan orang yg kita kasihi terasa ringan dihadapi, karena kita sudah mencintai / mengasihi org tersebut.

Menurut saya, yang sebenarnya membuat kuk "kelihatannya" susah adalah dari diri sendiri. Menahan ego.
Ego menolak untuk mengasihi org lain.
Ego saat keinginan pribadi selalu ingin ditempatkan di atas kepentingan org yg dikasihi.


Kembali lagi, kuk mencintai sendiri tidak susah.

Seperti saat jatuh cinta, permasalahan lain2 seperti tidak terasa :)

-----------------------------------------

Dalam kedua ayat di atas, ada kekonsistenan bahwa baik Musa dan Yeremia menegaskan Firman Tuhan tidak susah utk dilakukan jika Firman itu dekat di dalam mulut dan benar2 dituliskan di dalam loh hati.

Bukankah begitu, Cinta?

Cinta — kata itu terlalu sering dirapalkan, teramat acap dihapalkan.
Seindah lembayung senja, seteduh berkah rembulan.
Namun ketika teresap terbilangkan, aku pikir kesucian dan maknanya bisa memudar,
——— secepat embun pagi yang menguap di bawah terik hitam matahari.

Ada kah yang merasa begitu?
Ketika cinta terkatakan, hilang kemurniannya?

[Life Reflection] Happy Twenty Two! (Part III: Love)

[... cont'd]

3. Cinta
Cinta? Masih seperti tahun2 lalu, saya masih bingung, completely unskilled. Masih terseret-seret pengetahuan saya semenjak kepercayaan tentang cinta roboh beberapa tahun lalu. Tapi, di umur saya 21 beranjak 22 tahun kmrn, tanpa saya inginkan, something happened to my love life.

Saya tiba2 bertemu dengan seorang pria di kampus (note: sebelum masuk ke Hukum, saya sudah mutusin untuk ga ngurusin hal2 ini dulu, fokus kuliah dulu). Yep, pria yang saya ceritakan disini. Pria yang saat pertama kali melihat, POPPED!, kata yang terlintas di kepala adalah “marriage” (-_-)"a. Pria yang “indah”, tidak tahu dari mana, tapi "indah". Satu semester sudah berlalu dan saya masih belum bisa memahami sama sekali perasaan saya ke dia dan mengapa bisa. Entahlah, dia benar-benar membangkitkan sesosok wanita lembut saya seperti beberapa tahun lalu. Rasanya seperti ingin menjaga dia, menolong dia sebagai seorang wanita. Saya tidak mengakuinya sebagai cinta sekarang (karena belajar dari pengalaman lalu, saya harus mengenal seorang pria dulu sebelum ke suatu term yang serius, yaitu cinta), tapi sampai saat ini, dia sudah membuat saya melakukan beberapa extraordinary things. Extraordinary things yang ga pernah saya lakukan ke pria2 lain beberapa tahun ini. Saya ga bs menjelaskannya, tapi saya tahu pria ini berbeda & akan sll memperlakukannya berbeda.

Tapi anehnya, seiringan dengan perasaan saya yg ga bisa dijelaskan, ada perasaan legowo klo Tuhan berkehendak lain, jika bukan saya yang menjaga dia di sisa hidupnya nanti. Ntahlah kenapa perasaan legowo ini ada karena saya udah belajar merelakan di hubungan yang sebelumnya atau gimana. Tapi dari awal saya memperhatikan dia hingga sekarang, saya selalu melihat dia laki2 yang baik utk diajak di dalam suatu hubungan & setia dari awal. Saya benar2 berharap dia bisa dapat wanita yang terbaik, walaupun saya ingin menjadi wanita yg terbaik itu sejak saya pertama kali bertemu.

Itu saja yang bisa saya ceritakan mengenai pria ini. Benar orang yang baik, benar2 perasaan yang indah, dan saya tidak mau meninggalkan perasaan yang indah ini dengan begitu saja dalam keadaan yang tidak indah.

Terakhir, untuk hal pasangan saya menikah nanti, saya tidak mau keras kepala lagi sekarang. Saya berpikir, mencari kriteria orang yang disukai / dicintai itu berbeda dengan mencari kriteria orang yg bisa kita ajak nikah. Dan saya benar2 bodoh dalam kedua hal itu. Terserah kriteria terbaik Tuhan seperti apa & membawa saya ke proses mana. Kalaupun harus ngalamin beberapa kali jatuh-bangun-cinta lagi, saya tidak akan takut utk patah hati dan tidak mau menjadi “bodoh” atau terhenti lagi, karena saya percaya pada akhirnya Tuhan akan ngasih pria yang TERBAIK ke saya. Pria yang benar2 menyadari peranan Tuhan di dalam hidupnya. Pria yang bersama2 bisa diajak utk membangun “mezbah Tuhan” di dalam keluarga. Pria, yang ketika melihat dia, saya bisa melihat wajah Tuhan di dalamnya.

Pria yang bisa melihat saya & pernikahan & keluarga nanti, tidak dari sudut pandang cinta manusia, tapi dari cinta Ilahi yang ada di Alkitab. Pria yang melihat saya & anak2 dengan definisi kasih ini :
1 Korintus 13:4-7 :
13:4  Kasih itu sabar; kasih itu murah hati; ia tidak cemburu. Ia tidak memegahkan diri dan tidak sombong.
13:5  Ia tidak melakukan yang tidak sopan dan tidak mencari keuntungan diri sendiri. Ia tidak pemarah dan tidak menyimpan kesalahan orang lain.
13:6  Ia tidak bersukacita karena ketidakadilan, tetapi karena kebenaran.
13:7  Ia menutupi segala sesuatu, percaya segala sesuatu, mengharapkan segala sesuatu, sabar menanggung segala sesuatu.

Definisi pernikahan untuk saya sekarang adalah berdasarkan itu. Ya, hanya berdasarkan itu. Saya ingin sekali menikah dengan pria yang berdedikasi ke Tuhan & saya yakin suatu hari nanti Tuhan akan memberikan pria itu dan yang benar2 memahami ayat 1 Korintus 13 di atas. Dan Tuhan juga akan menjadikan saya menjadi seorang wanita yang seimbang dengan pria tersebut.

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Sekian review hidup saya ini hingga umur saya 22, teman2. Terima kasih untuk teman2 dekat saya yang sudah membantu mendewasakan saya selama ini. Sampai jumpa tahun depan, teman2! :) :)

[Life Reflection] Happy Twenty Two! (Part II: Parents)

[... cont'd]

2.    Orangtua
Orangtua .. orangtua saya dan saya sangat berbeda sekali. Banyak hal, mulai dari cara melihat agama, teman, tetangga, dan yang paling utama berbeda adalah KEBEBASAN. Ayah & ibu saya OVER-PROTECTIVE terhadap anak2nya, sedangkan saya tipe manusia yang sangat membutuhkan kebebasan dan kepercayaan. Saya tidak habis pikir kenapa orangtua sering melarang utk mengetahui lebih banyak lagi hal di luar sana. Saya ingat dari saya kecil, alasan saya sering marah2an terhadap ortu adalah karena ini.

Tapi satu tahun ini belakangan ini, saya berpikir tentang suatu hal mengenai orangtua saya. Mungkin memang cukup banyak hal yg SANGAT berbeda di antara saya dan orangtua saya, mungkin banyak hal yang akan selalu membuat saya dan orangtua saling sleg2an, tapi setelah saya mengintropeksi ke belakang lagi, saya berterima kasih, sangat berterimakasih ke orangtua saya atas 3 hal. 3 hal penting  yang sudah diajarkan orangtua saya, dimana benar2 menjadi bekal sangat penting di hidup  saya sekarang. Hal-hal ini berperan besar dalam membantu saya menata hidup kembali sekarang.

Satu, mengenai hal mendengar orang lain. Dulu saya ingat, sejak kecil, saya memang suka menanyakan & berdiskusi tentang segala sesuatunya. Belum selesai orang menjawab, saya sudah bertanya lagi. Ayah saya paling tahu itu, karena dia orang yang paling sering saya tanya. Saya ingat, suatu hari, saya lupa kapan persisnya, yang pasti saya masih SMA, saya sedang berdiskusi dgn ayah dan kemudian saya ditegor KERAS oleh ayah saya karena saya selalu tidak sabar untuk mendengar jawaban atau penjelasan orang lain secara komplit dulu. Selalu memotong giliran orang lain menjawab dengan pertanyaan/pendapat. Kalau kamu mengajukan pertanyaan, kamu harus sabar mendengar jawaban juga, kata ayah. Saya merasa disitu mendapat sesuatu yang sangat keras. Saya seperti terlempar ke masa lalu mengingat2 cara saya berbicara sebelumnya, dan mmg iya. Sejak itu, perkataan ayah saya itu selalu jadi pengingat & membentuk cara saya berkomunikasi sekarang, seperti teman2 bisa lihat. Saya sangat bersyukur bisa mendapat pelajaran itu dari ayah, karena semakin kemari saya semakin menyadari mendengar orang itu sangat penting. Itu sesuatu yang harus disadari & dipunyai setiap orang.

Hal kedua, mengenai hal tidak boleh cepat menyerah. Ayah saya lagi2 orang yang paling mengenal saya di rumah. Ayah saya tahu banget saya ini mempunyai “bakat” cepat menyerah dari kecil. Saya ingat banget, waktu SD saya sering minta ngerjain peernya cuma sama bokap. Minta digambarin, minta dikerjain tugas matematika perkalian yang ga bisa saya selesaikan lah dll. Hingga sampai awal kuliah di Psiko, saya masih jadi orang yang cepat menyerah. Tapi, masalah2 yang menimpa saya di Indonesia menjadi titik balik saya dalam hal ini. Sewaktu menghadapi masalah2 itu, ayah saya selalu menasehati dan menyemangati saya, “Hidup ga boleh cepat menyerah, nak. Klo menyerah sekarang, lantas apa yg akan kamu  dapat di masa depan? Apa yg kamu lakukan di masa depan?”. Saya memahami nasehat itu dengan proses yg sangat sulit sekali, hingga suatu titik saya benar2 menyadari mau ga mau, hidup memang harus dijalani & ga boleh menyerah hanya karena kesulitan di satu bidang hidup saja. Dari titik balik itu, saya mulai tetapkan dalam hati hingga sekarnag, mau segimanapun masalah saya yang datang, saya tidak boleh cengeng, menghindar, dan menyerah. Harus berani keep head up & menghadapi menyelesaikan masalah itu.

Hal ketiga, adalah hal tentang kesabaran. Kali ini ibu saya yang berperan dalam hal ini. Jujur saja, saya sudah cukup banyak mengecewakan orangtua saya dengan melewatkan banyak kesempatan demi ego saya. Demi ego saya itu, saya juga harus menghadapi masalah2 sebagai konsekuensi atas itu. Saya cukup lama melewatkan masa2 sulit, tapi selain dukungan tetap maju dari bokap, nyokap juga punya peranan yang sangat besar dalam hal saya menata hidup sekarang. Ibu memang bukan pemberi saran yang baik (karena pada dasarnya cerewet :)), tapi dalam menghadapi saya beserta masa2 sulit dulu, saya bisa merasakan kesabarannya. Selama masa2 sulit saya itu, nyokap ga pernah marah2 ke saya, walaupun saya tahu dia juga tertekan. Jika saya melihat gambar lebih besar tentang ibu saya, saya bersyukur mempunyai dia. Saya bersyukur mempunyai role-model bagaimana seharusnya seorang wanita. Dia mengajarkan bahwa kriteria satu2nya yang paling menggambarkan wanita adalah SABAR. Wanita itu harus sabar. Terhadap segala sesuatu. Agar dapat menjadi pilar penahan juga, apabila kepala keluarga tidak bisa menjadi pilar penahan keluarga.Saya ingin menjadi wanita yang sabar seperti ibu saya.

Belum ada hal yang bisa dibanggakan & bisa diberikan dari saya ke ayah & ibu saya sekarang. Saya masih payah, masih harus byk ditempah. Tapi, saya bersyukur, saya masih memiliki ayah & ibu yg masih bisa menemani, saya bersyukur mempunyai ayah & ibu adalah mereka. Benar bukan kebetulan atau main dadu, Tuhan memilihkan siapa orang tua kita. Saya cuma bisa bilang, dari hati saya yg terdalam sebagai anak, mereka benar2 sudah menjadi orangtua yang sukses menjalankan perannya dengan baik. Mereka berhasil mengajarkan anaknya menjadi pribadi yang lebih baik, menyadarkan anaknya harus benar2 bertanggungjawab terhadap hidupnya, dan semakin menjadi pribadi yang dewasa. Tuhan HARUS melihat itu.

[Life Reflection] Happy Twenty Two! (Part II: GOD)

Holaaa teman2 ^ ^, akhirnya saya balik ke blog lagi & akhrinya bisa punya cukup banyak waktu untuk menulis sejenak entri tentnag review hidup saya hingga umur 22 skr ini J

Well, yes 1 Juli 2011 kemarin akhirnya saya resmi mengakhiri masa lajang umur 21 saya.

There are still not many big accomplishments I made again, but I know my life is in right track now. And something in me keeps growing & better.

Ok, umur 22 ... lets see saya sudah mempelajari apa saja ya ... here they are, beberapa hal yg saya pikirkan di hidup selama setahun ini :

I. Tuhan
OK, ini poin yang pertama saya tulis, tapi terakhir yang saya selesaikan hehe. Mulai menulis beberapa baris, terus bingung dan berhenti menulis poin ini, kemudian beralih menulis poin “orangtua” & “cinta” terlebih dahulu. Kemudian balik ke poin “Tuhan” ini lagi. Poin yang sangat sulit dimulai dari mana.

Hmm tentang Tuhan .. apa yang saya tahu tentang Tuhan hingga genap umur saya 22 tahun ini?

...

Saya merasa masih banyak yang harus saya pelajari tentang Tuhan. Benar2 banyak, literally. Saya bingung mau nulis apa. Yang satu2nya saya ingat selama setahun ini : Harus  mengandalkan Tuhan selalu. Apapun yang terjadi & ajaran2 Tuhan yang saya pelajari setahun ini, yang harus selalu dipegang adalah : Harus mengandalkan Tuhan selalu. Itu yang membuat seseorang bisa terus bertumbuh dalam iman.

Dan oia, satu ajaran Tuhan yang benar2 nampol saya banget di akhir umur 21 tahun kemarin, setelah sekian lama saya coba pikirkan, memang tidak ada manusia yang benar2 di atas manusia yang lain. Baik seseorang sudah mengenal Tuhan lebih lama daripada yang lain, tetap tidak menjadikan dia lebih baik atas sesamanya. Akan selalu ada kekurangan2 spiritual di setiap orang yang mana membutuhkan orang lain untuk menegur & mengajarnya. Judging people with love and be ready to receive correction with humbleness as well.

                                                                                                    [... cont'd]

Standar Ganda Korupsi Masyarakat Indonesia :)

Tadi di jalan saya tiba2 berpikir apakah keadaan bernegara yang semakin bobrok terjadi di Indonesia mungkin adalah karena keadaan masyarakat & dosa masyarakat sendiri? Di masyarakat, seperti kita sadari sendiri KKN adalah bukan kata & praktek yang asing, baik hal-hal yang kecil ataupun besar, baik untuk pekerjaan yg sederhana, seperti mengurus KTP saja masyarakat masih “mengaminkan” penyuapan, hingga ke pekerjaan besar seperti PNS, yg mana MASIH BANYAK anggota masyarakat yang menyuap masuk. Memang aneh rasanya, jika masyarakat yang korupsi menginginkan pemerintahan yang tidak korupsi. Jangan2 pemerintah sekarang dibuat semakin korupsi & bobrok sebagai sentilan dari Tuhan karena masyarakat sendiri masih tidak menyadari dirinya juga melakukan korupsi? Supaya masyarakat sadar bahwa pemberantasan korupsi itu harus dimulai dari bawah, dimulai dari yang menuntut hilangnya korupsi itu sendiri.

Kalau anda sendiri, bagaimana pendapatnya tentang alasan kenapa korupsi Indonesia bisa seperti lingkaran setan seperti sekarang ini? :'(

Don't Make Me Love You (Till I'm Ready)

Don't make me love you till I'm ready

Don't make me give you more than my kisses

I need you to go slow and steady

Don't make me love you till I'm ready

Oh, why you wanna rush into my life

Don't you wanna stop and get to know me better

We got all the time in the world tonight

And if we're meant to be we'll be together, hmm

Stay around just slow it down

Till we find out if we got what it takes

Don't make me love you till I'm ready

Don't make me give you more than my kisses

I need you to go slow and steady

Don't make me love you till I'm ready

Everything I know about you so far

Makes me believe that you're the one for me

But there's still a lot that's on my mind

And I need time before we go further

Don't you see?

So hold me, hold me

But don't be thinking I don't want you too

Don't make me love you till I'm ready

Don't make me give you more than my kisses

I need you to go slow and steady

Don't make me love you till I'm ready

It's been a little bit of a mystery
Let's wait till we have a bit of history
Behind ourselves ooh yeah
You don't got to be in such a rush
We can live for the moment if we trust
We'll be right here tomorrow, oh yeah

Don't make me love you, love you

Don't make me give you, uh, uh

I need you to go ooh yeah

Don't make me love you, uh, uh, oh yeah

I wrote this because I am a big fan of Christina ^^ hahahaha

Janganlah bangga dengan wajahmu yang tampan atau cantik, karena wajah terakhirmu adalah tengkorak.

Janganlah bangga dengan rumahmu yang megah,
karena rumah terakhirmu adalah kuburan.

Janganlah bangga dengan tempat tidurmu yang empuk,
karena tempat tidur terakhirmu adalah tanah.

Janganlah bangga dengan sederet gelarmu,
karena gelar terakhirmu adalah almarhum.

~ Dari Buku Renungan ~

MY WORST NIGHTMARE!

Ok, this morning I got woke up with terrible feeling. I had a nightmare .. THE WORST WORST WORST NIGHTMARE I’ve ever had in my entire life!! X_X.

It's about death. I dislike death, especially if people I love died.. that's the reason why I NEVER want to attend burial ceremony; mourning in home is still okay to go.

So, the nightmare was about my friend (who is very meant to me) died. Lets call "H". In that dream, H was dead because of train accident. I was told by someone in that dream that he died because stood up near the neck of train wagon, then there were some shakes, and he lost balance and fell off to under the rails of train. Can you imagine that?? It's too scary information in dream.

Then after I heard his dead news, I was histerically shocking & grieving in the dream.

Before I heard the news, a couple days ago I still met him (still in dream). I met him in one fine dining restaurant. I am not quite sure it was accidental meeting or because we attended same party. But I knew, I was quite shocked to meet him there, we stared each other for a while, then nothing happened or even said (as usual?) and we went back with our agendas. He was with his friends, sowas I. I remembered that, I actually had something to say to him in the dream, really wanted to say something. I was feeling unpleasant, uncomfortable there. But until I got out from restaurant, I still didn’t say anything. But what I remembered, I saw from his face, that he had a great time with his friends. I was quite happy to see that.

And suddenly I heard the news he died of train accident...  BUMP!! My heart.

I couldnt decribe you exactly about my feeling in the dream, but really, it was so painful scene. Really painful. Even I felt the bump as if real happened.

Then, in that dream after heard the news, I confirmed to some of my colleagues “Is it real? Is he really died??” as if I wouldnt believe it .. I kept asking, kept asking, kept asking. I couldnt accept the fact he died. I even felt it so real. It felt like, we tried to go back to reality, but our dream is too scary & "real", so we felt the dream is our reality. Have you ever got kind of feeling?

Then thanks Goodness, I woke up. To the  real reality. Then I really thanked for the accident was FORTUNATELY just a dream. You had the heat, the sweat, and little water in the edge of your eyes.

***

I don’t know what this dream was talking about. Some kind of subconcious dream under our id, like Freud psychoanalysis theory said? Or maybe trying to tell me something that I should have done in real life? I still wondered why this dream popped up after I decided to leave some stories keep unsaid. This dream might be encouraging me to change my mind.

Maybe I really need to say those feelings. Maybe I do need to tell it before anything bad happen, or I would be feeling sorry in rest of my life later.

Aghh I definitely still don’t know what to do right now. = ="