The Four Loves

So, here I go again.. 1:55 am but I still cannot sleep..
I want to write my second blog entry for today.

So, this entry is caused by something happened to my male friend a couple of days ago. In short story, my male friend cried dyingly in front of me because of girl he loves. He heard that the girl he loves will marry soon. He is 'exploded' and very devastated hearing that :( .. As friend, I know he still adores the girl, but I didnt imagine it could be that much. I couldnt stand hearing his crying (dont say a man is a gay when he cries in front of his girl friend!). That day was really really really hard day for me.

I should admit, it makes me thinking lots about "Love" these couple of days.
Dealing with my friend's situation is almost as hard as dealing with past complicated relationship

So, I am thinking..
I see based on my experiences, of all temptations boys or men can have, it is not "money" or "fame" which able to make men really feel down, but "women". When a boy or man fall in love with woman, he couldnt control himself or think another possibility. They could be very devoted & very gentle, but in another negative side, they also usually become possesive, obssesed when something wrong happens or thing doesnt go well. I saw that for many times:
- My far relative is still not married yet even until he is around 56 years old now, because he lost his sweetheart in his young time. His girl was dead.
-.I had a date which is not able to forget his sweetheart from college. The girl is very important to him. He once had a chance to get near to her, they got closer, but my ex-crush didnt have guts to confess to her until the girl got closer to someone else and then become girlfriend-boyfriend (now they are already married). My ex-date still havent say it yet even until the marriage, and he has still regretted for it a lot until now.
- And some other unlucky guys whom I see had worst chance without a reason.

I dont have real talent in thinking about love. I am not a philosopher of love in nature. I learn about love from experiences, trial-errors, mistakes-lessons. But, I will try to tell this in simpler words.
I also got same unlucky fate as the boys I mentioned above. I lost someone whom I really considered as another part of me. I already found him, but it seemed we human doesnt always have to have another part of us. And that is still okay.

I dealt it with hard way. I was very confused why it should be that way, I screamed a lot to God, I couldnt see I could live without him. But God has comforted me, trained me in these past few years, and He gave me new understanding as well. I am really okay now and not feeling bitterness anymore.

***

Besides completely recovered, I  am pretty sure my view on relationship and love changed. These are some new understandings about Love which I would like to share to anyone needed now:

1. When I still didnt have God as my priority, I was still thinking with Disney, society, and maybe our ownself's view on love. I will fall in love with someone whom my heart choose. We even dont really know what standards our heart actually truly see.. looks? Personality? We couldnt say it because we are still blurry about love. We just know how to identify love as "something my heart will choose", but that's it.. It is 'dangerous' concept, I realised later.

To me as what I understood now, without looking up to God's direction, our definition on love will always be distorted. We will look at the person based on "our heart". And our heart is not always thing we can trust anytime. It can be possesive, it can be too sentimental, it can pick wrong choice etc.

We think that we already love someone right, but actually we view them in shallow way. With our own desires or ego. With our own weak heart.

For now personally I realise, I dont have an interest to see a man only from his personality or looks now. It is not my way in seeking special relationship anymore. I may see a guy attractive, but at the end, I will ask myself do I see him through God? Is my feeling pure? Maybe that is the reason why I am really careful starting relationship now? It is amazing feeling & change though.

That will also relate to this entry title "The Four Loves" (Storge, Philia, Eros, Agape).
I feel The True Love is Love which I can love someone unconditionally. So, it doesnt happen because of my own desires, but GOD.  Because I want to see and love him through God. Because I want to serve him in God rather than because I pursue love for my ownself.

That will be perfect definition of Love and kind of relationship I want to pursue at the end. :)


2. I am thinking, no matter how hard past relationship, a guy should be mature in viewing life.
A mature man, in my view, is a guy who can move from his young love story and keep forward to the future. He must be a man who will be able to think of his future family. He must care about his future family a lot more than his young past love story. He must be strong, wipe his own sadness, take important notes, and focus to brush himself up to be a leader in family later. Not just lamenting about his lost love.

So guys, you have responsibility to be a leader in family.
As a girl, I wholeheartedly say to any broken-hearted guys outhere.. please dont cry over a girl. It is irony to see that. It kills something inside women who look at that. Please dont be lame.

You are strong creature and I know, men will always be logical & good in picking options.
Just move on from your ego, forget about it, and sooner or later you will never feel bad again completely. You will have better option; you will have better view on relationship. Trust me.


****

In this life, we will meet many people who will come and teach us, both in short encounter or in long ones. We will meet many potential partners, and they may come to our life temporarily to teach us, to inspire us. It doesnt mean we should be crying for every love we lost. We must be calm and control ourself to keep strong while learning about relationship.. until our time is ready.

Relationship is a kind of journey heading into maturity.

So, we should be more mature after one relationship to another relationship. We all must understand that.

****

* The Four Loves is a book by C.S. Lewis which explores the nature of love from Christian perspective [wiki]

How long will you take your relationship?

So, two days ago, as usual I taught my Korean student, Mr. So, bahasa Indonesia and we tried practicing his conversation skill in the morning. We usually speak with a topic. But, in that time, we just had regular conversation in Bahasa, more like "curhat" lol.

So, I dont know why, I wanted to talk about relationship that time eventhough there are others many things I've been thinking lately.

It started with my questions (of course original one in Bahasa Indonesia languange) :
- How did he start relationship with his wife?
- How was his feeling toward his wife at the first time? Loving her so much or has time grown it up?
- Did he realise at that time that his girlfriend would be his wife? Could he feel it?

I asked them because I often doubt myself whether I could have a chance to feel a relationship again or not. The scenario is usually like this: I find a good guy, but I always get scared to try next level. A few guys I dated may assume I am not serious person about my feeling, but the fact is I hardly fall in love with someone, and telling someone love words is one of the special thing I could have done.

But with that fact, I wonder why I am suck at starting relationship. Why did I start dates and also end it? Maybe because I am afraid to start relationship again eventhough I am serious with my feeling..? Because I am afraid to have my hopes up..? Because I am afraid my heart will be broken too hard again..?

**

So, that is the reason why I asked Mr So, what is the first feeling in starting relationship? I tried to remember what good feeling relationship is. I tried to remember the confidence we have before starting relationship.

Then he answered all my questions (I wont write down his full answers here ^^) and shared his love story too.. but the most interesting thing we had that time actually came at the end. At the question "How long does somebody usually take their relationship?"
Of course, no answer for that! That was dumb question, definitely.
But forgive me, my mind is still just completely blank about love right now, so I even asked about little non-sense thing! Hehe :P

So the full questions:
"How long does somebody usually take his/her relationship? Have you ever thought to leave your wife at the time when both of you were still dating, Mr So?"

He silenced for a moment, trying to find the answer, and then he answered me,
"I never thought to leave my wife when we were dating back then.
Yes, we had lots of quarrels, but I never thought to leave her for any sake. I am not sure about the answer for your question, Linda.
But in my opinion, relationship will end only when the two people want to end it. 
Love is everlasting STRUGGLE between  two people."

He gave me a big blow to my head.. and I felt somewhat uplifting feeling.

* *
But still.. I am only prioritizing to learn about Christ now and to be grown first.
So, maybe I will understand it in another time..

Memento Mori

Hehehehe.. what a long time.. It's been 8 months since last time I logged into this blog, my life in blog. :)

How come??
Where have I been?
What was I doing??
:-D LOL

Reading back to all my entries.. it's totally very different thing to see now.. such memories..
What thing have I accomplished since last time I wrote? Any progress?

Lets see Linda, what things you've been going through these 8 months.. you must remember it back :)

So.. these 8 months..
Well.. I think first progress I can identify is my English has been enhanced.. time by time, my English enhances, especially speaking.. I feel I speak more fluently than before.. I met many interesting foreign friends who spoke English to me in some special activities.. they are very kind to me.. my courage grew a lot.. my circle of friends have been varied and getting bigger..

But mostly for circle of friends, I am really grateful to have meet with kak Ina, kak Mega, kak Eunice.. they are my 30-something years old sisterhood friends :) (I dont have many friends with same age).. and then my best friend Devi and O.I.. they are very good & low-profile people, they teach me how to be good person and be better.. They make me happy. I am such lucky person.

Second, definitely I became philosopher in these 8 months lol.. of course behind my non-sense smile, I am also thoughtful person :P

So now is my last year.. what will I gonna do? Which starting point do I need to take?
I have a plan.. one plan.. living abroad after I graduate next year (working there, setting new level of maturity & courage, doing new adventure etc etc).. that is the only plan I want to do.. I dont know why.

Third, I want to feel in love.. again.. so lately I joined one dating site out there, never been or done that before, such spontaneity and tremendous courage of me lol.. I dont know what I must do actually in this site.. what thing should we expect from dating site? Am I type of a person who is able to do kind of that relationship?

But from learning from my past, I need to pray for every relationship.. that's important to pray because that is such big matter.. I dont want to play someone's feeling as well as I dont want to be played.. there is karma/consequence when we do something bad.. And I think, we must take maturity right now.. have strong commitment to our relationship, something that many people greatly lose & give up easily in this era.

Lately I'm also  *really* thinking about what the best criterias I need to see in man.. but I dont want to spread my mind here ;p

I believe GOD will direct and lead me to best direction.. whatever will happen, I know I will smile.. and I hope every guy I met will smile too.. I do adore God's spontaneity.. when we think about doing something or planning something, God suddenly change it 180' and give us something that makes us giggle at the end.. I did experienced some of them.. I giggled why I entered law school, something I never imagined before.. I giggled why I can be blessed with best life right now meanwhile JUST 3 years ago I died in spiritual .. God is soo good because His Love.. spontaneity in His plan.. so, eventhough I plan I would go to America someday, I'm relax for that.. this life, we must be relax and trust GOD to do His magic, His "joke".. all the things. Trust me, God is funny :) .. maybe I am very happy person right now because I know I have very funny God with funny plan :))

***

I think that's all.. some big points in these 8 months..

This writing is too simple and straight-forward.. but that's what I want to do in my life..To simplify my life now..  So others doesnt need to confuse about my life.. For me, saying things to be straight & honest is the best thing to do.

I just can do that..
I dont want to complicate things anymore and try hard way.
It is just not worth the price. :)

Love can change so many things

From any bad form to good one.. it is the beauty of Love.

Looking at these photos overwhelmed me with warmth & gratitude..
Yes, I really believe love can change so many things.. included person..
My Mom & Dad is my hero.. They changed me three years ago. :)

There is no best present from my parents other than my parents' love when I was in my lowest level 3 years ago.. I used to be like the "bad dog", they took care of me when I couldnt takecare of my ownself..

When you feel you are really loved, you will go stand up by your ownself, you will become aware & responsible about your life, you will move forward, and you will finally understand how important Love is in human's life.

The beauty of Love: It changes things, conditions, animals, person..

I Need You To Understand This

Someday it will be spring summer

What you see is overly drama
Unhappy people
Unhappy life
Shitty, so miserable
People will get what they deserve
People will attract something of what their real self are
People will be something they choose to be

We are nothing, but a hope.

That hope we don’t even know
where it is in our self
that will get us there
to spring summer
in our heart.

Kata Pak BJ Habibie

"Dik, saya ini memulai segala sesuatunya dari bawah, sampai saya ditunjuk menjadi wakil dirut perusahaan terkemuka di Jerman dan akhirnya menjadi Presiden RI, itu semua bukan kejadian tiba-tiba. Selama 48 tahun saya tidak pernah dipisahkan dengan Ainun, ibu Ainun istri saya. Ia ikuti kemana saja saya pergi dengan penuh kasih sayang dan rasa sabar. Dik, kalian barangkali sudah biasa hidup terpisah dengan istri, you pergi dinas dan istri di rumah, tapi tidak dengan saya." — B.J. Habibie

Translation:
"Kids, I was starting everything from rock bottom until I was appointed a vice president of a leading company in Germany, and eventually became President of Republic Indonesia, this is not the event of a sudden. During these 48 years I have never been separated by Ainun my wife and mother of my children. She followed me to anywhere I go with full dedication and patience to me. You may be probably familiar living apart with your wives, but not with me. "- B.J. Habibie

It is a story of BJ Habibie, ex President of Republic Indonesia, who just lost his dearest wife in Mei 2012. He was greatly grieved about it. Indonesian's love story.

"It Will Be Allright, For I Am With You.."

Read: Haggai 2:1-9 
The people of Israel had returned from exile just a few years before. They came back to a place that was home and yet not home. They had to live alongside with the unfamiliar ‘remnant’ in the land. They had to rebuild homes and businesses. They suffered through drought. Most of all, they had to rebuild the Temple and reconcile the faith they kept in exile with the faith they now needed to sustain them in the future. Their lives were unsettled and uncertain, full of unease and anxiety.

In the midst of their struggle, the Lord encourages the people to be strong, to be courageous, to keep on, to move forward, to not let the past become the definition of the future. “It will be alright,” says the Lord, “for I am with you.”

Today, we, too, live in uncertainty and unease. Some of us wonder whether we can make it through tough economic times, or whether we will have a job tomorrow or next year. We fear the terrorist from another shore and the thief down the street. Even our familiar ways of faith are unsettled. Yet in this season, God reminds us in a most amazing way, with the birth of a child, that God is still with us and will bring us Shalom, wholeness, peace, and rest.

- IES Church Devotional Digest, 10-Dec-2011

The Art of Losing Something

Hmmm ga tahu kenapa tiba-tiba ingin menulis seni dari kehilangan sesuatu.

Tiba2 ingin saja, mungkin saja.

Saya pernah merasakan kehilangan. Bukan kehilangan sesuatu yang saya perlukan atau tidak melalukan sesuatu yang bisa ‘membunuh’ saya, tapi bener-bener kehilangan sesuatu yang saya sayangi.

Percayalah, salah satu pelajaran yang paling SANGAT menempah saya hingga menjadi sekarang ini adalah losing something, not all things I have last forever.

Salah satu yang paling saya takutkan adalah kehilangan anggota keluarga saya. Terakhir, saya kehilangan nenek saya. Saya teringat bahwa bulan ini sudah bulan November, sudah mau akhir tahun, sudah mau Natal dan kumpul keluarga besar.

Saya menyadari bahwa saya tidak akan pernah ketemu lagi dengan nenek saya. Untuk sekarang, saya belum bisa membayangkan bagaimana rasanya ibadah tutup tahun tanpa nenek saya biasanya memberikan petuah. Saya sudah terlampau biasa dengan itu. Saya sudah terlampau sayang dengan nenek saya.

Hhh, I miss your voice so much, Grandma. T_T

Apalagi katamu terakhir kita bertemu, aku harus benar-benar serius belajar, menyelesaikan sekolahku yang kali ini, agar nenek bisa datang ke Jakarta dan melihat aku wisuda. Kamu juga bilang, akan mengusahakan kesehatan juga agar bisa melihat wisuda itu hingga waktunya. Tapi tidak, nenek ga bisa menepati janji kepadaku. Tuhan sudah duluan mengambil janji nenek. Namanya janji adalah janji, bisa tertepati, bisa tidak kan?

Tapi,

Apapun hal saya kehilangan itu,

Saya pernah kehilangan anggota keluarga saya

Saya pernah kehilangan cinta saya yang pertama

Saya pernah kehilangan kesempatan

Membuat saya jadi berpikir ..

Hidup pada waktunya ada akhirnya. Ada awal, ada ujung.

Rasa kehilangan akan berakhir.
Rasa kehilangan akan terlupakan ketika saya meninggal.

Di alam lain sana, saya tidak akan mengingat apa2 lagi yang saya punya di dunia, orang-orang yg sudah saya kenal dan sesuatu yg sudah saya jalani di dunia.
Aku tidak akan mengingat lagi nenek, orangtua saya, sahabat2 saya, orang2 yg pernah menyakiti saya, dan kamu yang membaca ini.

Saya selalu mengingat fakta itu setiap melihat segala sesuatu di dunia.

Bahwa hidup saya hanya persinggahan. Hanya sebentar mengenal seseorang, kemudian saya/dia pergi.

Hanya mencengkram persepsi sesuatu itu di pikiran sebentar, kemudian saya tidak akan mengingatnya lagi.

Bahwa inti hidup adalah justru kehilangan.

Mati.

Tetapi nya,

Sesuatu harus mati, agar tunas baru bisa tumbuh

Seseorang harus kehilangan sesuatu, supaya orang itu bisa “hidup”.

Seseorang harus kehilangan sesuatu , supaya paham menghargai sesuatu itu dari awal sebelum kehilangan.

Saya tahu, saya akan kehilangan segala sesuatu suatu hari nanti & tidak bisa menemukannya lagi.

Karena itu, saya harus bnr2 memperlakukan sesuatu dengan baik, dari awal.

Saya tahu, suatu hari nanti saya tidak akan merasakan lagi rasanya kehilangan.

Karena itu, saya tidak akan berhenti cuma karena kehilangan.

Saya tetap akan meneruskan kuliah, walaupun nenek saya tidak bisa melihat saya wisuda lagi.

The art of losing something.

... I guess my breast has been growing up, bigger :') he he he

Science is FUN! :D

It is called Poggendorf Illusion.

For other illusions, you can learn by yourself here :D :
http://www.michaelbach.de/ot/ang_poggendorff/index.html