Saturday, March 30, 2013

The Four Loves

So, here I go again.. 1:55 am but I still cannot sleep..
I want to write my second blog entry for today.

So, this entry is caused by something happened to my male friend a couple of days ago. In short story, my male friend cried dyingly in front of me because of girl he loves. He heard that the girl he loves will marry soon. He is 'exploded' and very devastated hearing that :( .. As friend, I know he still adores the girl, but I didnt imagine it could be that much. I couldnt stand hearing his crying (dont say a man is a gay when he cries in front of his girl friend!). That day was really really really hard day for me.

I should admit, it makes me thinking lots about "Love" these couple of days.
Dealing with my friend's situation is almost as hard as dealing with past complicated relationship

So, I am thinking..
I see based on my experiences, of all temptations boys or men can have, it is not "money" or "fame" which able to make men really feel down, but "women". When a boy or man fall in love with woman, he couldnt control himself or think another possibility. They could be very devoted & very gentle, but in another negative side, they also usually become possesive, obssesed when something wrong happens or thing doesnt go well. I saw that for many times:
- My far relative is still not married yet even until he is around 56 years old now, because he lost his sweetheart in his young time. His girl was dead.
-.I had a date which is not able to forget his sweetheart from college. The girl is very important to him. He once had a chance to get near to her, they got closer, but my ex-crush didnt have guts to confess to her until the girl got closer to someone else and then become girlfriend-boyfriend (now they are already married). My ex-date still havent say it yet even until the marriage, and he has still regretted for it a lot until now.
- And some other unlucky guys whom I see had worst chance without a reason.

I dont have real talent in thinking about love. I am not a philosopher of love in nature. I learn about love from experiences, trial-errors, mistakes-lessons. But, I will try to tell this in simpler words.
I also got same unlucky fate as the boys I mentioned above. I lost someone whom I really considered as another part of me. I already found him, but it seemed we human doesnt always have to have another part of us. And that is still okay.

I dealt it with hard way. I was very confused why it should be that way, I screamed a lot to God, I couldnt see I could live without him. But God has comforted me, trained me in these past few years, and He gave me new understanding as well. I am really okay now and not feeling bitterness anymore.


Besides completely recovered, I  am pretty sure my view on relationship and love changed. These are some new understandings about Love which I would like to share to anyone needed now:

1. When I still didnt have God as my priority, I was still thinking with Disney, society, and maybe our ownself's view on love. I will fall in love with someone whom my heart choose. We even dont really know what standards our heart actually truly see.. looks? Personality? We couldnt say it because we are still blurry about love. We just know how to identify love as "something my heart will choose", but that's it.. It is 'dangerous' concept, I realised later.

To me as what I understood now, without looking up to God's direction, our definition on love will always be distortedWe will look at the person based on "our heart". And our heart is not always thing we can trust anytime. It can be possesive, it can be too sentimental, it can pick wrong choice etc.

We think that we already love someone right, but actually we view them in shallow way. With our own desires or ego. With our own weak heart.

For now personally I realise, I dont have an interest to see a man only from his personality or looks now. It is not my way in seeking special relationship anymore. I may see a guy attractive, but at the end, I will ask myself do I see him through God? Is my feeling pure? Maybe that is the reason why I am really careful starting relationship now? It is amazing feeling & change though.

That will also relate to this entry title "The Four Loves" (Storge, Philia, Eros, Agape).
I feel The True Love is Love which I can love someone unconditionally. So, it doesnt happen because of my own desires, but GOD.  Because I want to see and love him through God. Because I want to serve him in God rather than because I pursue love for my ownself.

That will be perfect definition of Love and kind of relationship I want to pursue at the end. :)

2. I am thinking, no matter how hard past relationship, a guy should be mature in viewing life.
A mature man, in my view, is a guy who can move from his young love story and keep forward to the future. He must be a man who will be able to think of his future family. He must care about his future family a lot more than his young past love story. He must be strong, wipe his own sadness, take important notes, and focus to brush himself up to be a leader in family later. Not just lamenting about his lost love.

So guys, you have responsibility to be a leader in family.
As a girl, I wholeheartedly say to any broken-hearted guys outhere.. please dont cry over a girlIt is irony to see that. It kills something inside women who look at that. Please dont be lame.

You are strong creature and I know, men will always be logical & good in picking options.
Just move on from your ego, forget about it, and sooner or later you will never feel bad again completely. You will have better option; you will have better view on relationship. Trust me.


In this life, we will meet many people who will come and teach us, both in short encounter or in long ones. We will meet many potential partners, and they may come to our life temporarily to teach us, to inspire us. It doesnt mean we should be crying for every love we lost. We must be calm and control ourself to keep strong while learning about relationship.. until our time is ready.

Relationship is a kind of journey heading into maturity.

So, we should be more mature after one relationship to another relationship. We all must understand that.


* The Four Loves is a book by C.S. Lewis which explores the nature of love from Christian perspective [wiki]

How long will you take your relationship?

So, two days ago, as usual I taught my Korean student, Mr. So, bahasa Indonesia and we tried practicing his conversation skill in the morning. We usually speak with a topic. But, in that time, we just had regular conversation in Bahasa, more like "curhat" lol.

So, I dont know why, I wanted to talk about relationship that time eventhough there are others many things I've been thinking lately.

It started with my questions (of course original one in Bahasa Indonesia languange) :
- How did he start relationship with his wife?
- How was his feeling toward his wife at the first time? Loving her so much or has time grown it up?
- Did he realise at that time that his girlfriend would be his wife? Could he feel it?

I asked them because I often doubt myself whether I could have a chance to feel a relationship again or not. The scenario is usually like this: I find a good guy, but I always get scared to try next level. A few guys I dated may assume I am not serious person about my feeling, but the fact is I hardly fall in love with someone, and telling someone love words is one of the special thing I could have done.

But with that fact, I wonder why I am suck at starting relationship. Why did I start dates and also end it? Maybe because I am afraid to start relationship again eventhough I am serious with my feeling..? Because I am afraid to have my hopes up..? Because I am afraid my heart will be broken too hard again..?


So, that is the reason why I asked Mr So, what is the first feeling in starting relationship? I tried to remember what good feeling relationship is. I tried to remember the confidence we have before starting relationship.

Then he answered all my questions (I wont write down his full answers here ^^) and shared his love story too.. but the most interesting thing we had that time actually came at the end. At the question "How long does somebody usually take their relationship?"
Of course, no answer for that! That was dumb question, definitely.
But forgive me, my mind is still just completely blank about love right now, so I even asked about little non-sense thing! Hehe :P

So the full questions:
"How long does somebody usually take his/her relationshipHave you ever thought to leave your wife at the time when both of you were still dating, Mr So?"

He silenced for a moment, trying to find the answer, and then he answered me,
"I never thought to leave my wife when we were dating back then.
Yes, we had lots of quarrels, but I never thought to leave her for any sake. I am not sure about the answer for your question, Linda.
But in my opinion, relationship will end only when the two people want to end it. 
Love is everlasting STRUGGLE between  two people."

He gave me a big blow to my head.. and I felt somewhat uplifting feeling.

* *
But still.. I am only prioritizing to learn about Christ now and to be grown first.
So, maybe I will understand it in another time..